Hilary Saunders, Why I took the Hijab

Hilary Saunders used to think that Islam was a relic from the dark ages. Now she has converted. Here she explains why ..
Source :http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,740616,00.html

The most significant thing I have ever done was in fact incredibly simple. A little over four weeks ago, in front of two witnesses, I recited a simple declaration, the shahada. "I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and I bear witness that Mohammed is His messenger," I said; and from that moment, I was a Muslim.

Until the very second that I made my declaration, I wasn't entirely convinced that it was what I wanted to do. Would I wake up one day and want to change my mind? Would I feel like I had made a huge mistake? But already I feel as if my life has been transformed. I don't know how to describe it, but the moment I said those words, my heart filled with joy and love and it took about four days for me to come back down off the ceiling. I would almost describe it as "coming out", because a part of me that has been important, but always very private, is now out in the open.

The ritual of my conversion may have taken only minutes, but it was the culmination of a lifetime's quest. My parents are both agnostic - they don't believe in God, and raised me and my two sisters without any faith, so that we could make up our own minds when we were adults. As a child, I suppose I wanted to please my father, and so tried to mirror his views. But I have always been very conscious that I was looking for something, and I could never quite put my finger on what that was. In my darkest moments I have often felt like a ship adrift at sea, not knowing where to dock.

When I was at college I started investigating faith: I got interested in a philosophical system called the Work, which actually took a lot from Islam, although I didn't know it at the time. I was also investigating various new-age philosophies, practising Buddhist meditation, and reading a lot of alternative self-help books.

I have had some problematic relationships with men in the past, and after splitting up with one boyfriend I read Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. I had read it before and had always thought it was for women who were overly attached to men who beat them up. But after this reading I thought: I am one of these women, and I want to do whatever the book suggests. It advised developing your spiritual life, learning to be more self-centred, and perhaps getting counselling. That was a significant turning point. I was also, at that stage, practising reiki, which is similarly concerned with channelling unconditional love. I was wrestling with the concept of the divine, trying to find out where I belonged spiritually. I was definitely a searcher.

And then, suddenly, I found myself going out with a Muslim guy. I hadn't set out to date a Muslim - ironically, in fact, it was the result of a drunken night out (I would describe him as a practising Muslim, but one who made mistakes along the way!). At that stage I was ignorant about Islam. I hadn't had any Muslim friends when I was growing up, and my assumptions about the faith were almost all negative. I thought it old-fashioned, a relic from the dark ages, and one that was oppressive and authoritarian with regard to women.

My sense that the religion was anti-women was one of the major sticking points. I wanted my partner to justify some of the doctrines that I saw as particularly anti-feminist. I went through all the usual western arguments, citing how the religion was about men putting women down. How come Islam permitted men to have four wives?

If I'm honest, it was talking about faith that kept us together for four years. He would try to answer my questions as best he could, and refer me to the Koran and the examples from the life of the Prophet. I started to read, and gradually my questions were answered, until I realised that a lot of my preconceptions were basically wrong. In knowing only a little - like the bare fact that a man can have four wives - I had jumped to the wrong conclusion.

One of the things I came to realise was that, in Islam, multiple marriages are not promoted, they are tolerated. Sometimes they are a necessity. But there are safeguards: before a man can take a second wife, the first wife has to agree to it and be happy, and both the wives have to be treated equally. If a man is married and for some reason his wife cannot conceive, he can take a second wife with her agreement. (On the other hand, if a woman's husband is not able to get her pregnant, then she can get a divorce.) This seems to me better than the western way, in which he might get divorced, leaving the first wife without any support. This doctrine is actually for the protection of women. It is not about men going out collecting trophies.

This was the kind of question I would raise, and on each I would get to the point where I couldn't argue any more. Why did women need the protection of men - why wasn't it possible for a woman to have several partners? A woman could not have four husbands, I realised, because it would be impossible to know who was the father of her children, and the fathers might argue over who should support the child. I realise that Islam made so much sense.

A couple of months ago, I split up with my partner, and went on holiday to Jordan. It was there that I finally decided that I wanted to convert. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but somehow the penny dropped. It is such a beautiful, amazing place to be; just watching how people interacted with each other, and the call to prayer - it really moved me. So when I came back, I enrolled on a three-day course at Central mosque in Regent's Park, north London. At the end of the three days I decided it was the right time to make my declaration.

I made a number of good friends on the course; indeed, most of the Muslims I know well are converts. More people convert into Islam than you might think - approximately 10,000 of Britain's 1.8m Muslims are white or African-Caribbean converts .One of the problems for us is that, since we haven't grown up in Muslim communities, forming relationships can be difficult. In Islam you do not date - you don't have boyfriends or girlfriends and move on after a few years. Instead, someone from your extended family, who knows you from childhood and who knows Joe Bloggs down the road from childhood, will think: those two would really get on. They help you to find the right person so that you can enjoy a happy marriage.

I can see that there are practical problems in how this might work for me. But I am hugely excited about getting married and I believe that I will find, inshallah, a nice husband. I have wrestled with the idea of whether I could share my husband with another woman - I have always thought that I was far too jealous and insecure to be able to cope with that. But one day I woke up and it dawned on me: the women who are in multiple marriages must feel so loved and cherished - by their husbands, but also by God - to be able to cope. I am aware, however, that it is possible that some marriages might be unhappy - we are fallible human beings, after all.

Since my conversion, I have chosen to abide by the Islamic code of dress and wear the hijab. The hijab is about modesty, not showing off, not trying to attract the opposite sex, and avoiding causing envy. Islam advises both sexes, not just women, to dress modestly.

I felt quite nervous about putting it on at first, wondering what people would think. But then I told myself that I had made a commitment and that this was the public sign of it. I feel a lot safer now that I am wearing it; I have more self-respect. Now I know where I belong.